you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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