she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
