i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
