You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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