So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
