Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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