Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
