is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
