She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
