Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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