Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
