I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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