I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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