Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize