Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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