He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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