Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
