I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
