I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think my fart just growled at me.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize