i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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