I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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