The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
