i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
