Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
