I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
