Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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