my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
