I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
