I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
