my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize