I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize