like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
