you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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