imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
