I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
