My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize