Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
