You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
