Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize