I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
