I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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