Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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