Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Two words: blizzard sex
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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