my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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