just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
