Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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