mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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