im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
