Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
