please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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