she was so not down for the gang bang
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
