hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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