if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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