I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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