I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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