Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
