Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
